Ten Days til My Marathon!

The countdown begins!  Only 10 days til my very first (only??) full marathon!  I am excited, nervous, scared…

 

Last night, I asked my husband this question:  “What if I can’t finish the race?”  He answered, “It’s not just about the race.  It’s about the whole journey.  You set a goal and worked hard to achieve it.  Lots of people start marathons and don’t finish.  Lots of people have bad runs – even elite athletes get hurt and can’t finish.  I wouldn’t be too disappointed for not finishing….(insert some other words that start to run together and all sound the same…)  Are you tearing up thinking about it?  What were you expecting me to say?” 

Me:  “Uh, not that.”

Husband:  “You asked me what if you didn’t finish.  I think you will finish but that’s not what you asked me.”

 

So.  Let me just say up front.  I am not fishing for ‘atta girls’ or ‘you can do its’.  I appreciate them but please don’t feel compelled to sling them at me.  I just want to share how I REALLY feel right now.  This IS (has been?) a  journey.  I have traveled between high, chest pounding self confidence to considerable self-doubt, to mind numbing devotion to the plan – just get it done at all costs devotion, giddiness (yes, I get giddy!) and sheer, spirit crushing sadness.  I’ve traveled all of this way on my over-pronating feet, knock knees, wide hips, ‘ample bust’ (well, I guess I wasn’t traveling on my bust literally…), my faithful Brooks Adrenalins, my faith, my husband’s shoulders, my friends’ well wishes and last but not least, on sheer naivete.  What in the world was I thinking?  “I’m going to run a marathon…”  Sigh.

 

My husband was right last night.  I DID ask “What if I don’t finish”.   My focus lately hasn’t been on whether or not I’ll finish  but it’s been on ‘what if i don’t finish’.  What if, indeed.  What if?  I am scared and actually dreading February 5.  “What If” has set in.  What if it’s raining?  What if it’s hot?  What if it’s too humid?  What if my knee hurts?  What if my hips start hurting?  What if i have another anxiety attack (if that’s what it was)?  What if everyone finishes the race except me?  Ugh.  Yeah.  This is a journey – to crazy land! 

 

When I think rationally, I know that I have trained as well as I knew how.  Was it good enough, though?  Did I miss something?  Should I have run harder, further, faster, less?  There’s stuff that I know I should have done:  like lose weight.  I’ve lost a pound or two but what if I had dropped 10-15 pounds, would I feel better about things, now?  Maybe.  I don’t know.  I toyed with the idea of getting those knee straps to run with.  I also thought about wearing a compression wrap on my knee during runs.  Is it too late?  I’ve still got a 10 mile run in two days.  What if I did those things?  Would it help?  The race changed the fuel gel from Accel to Gu.  What if Gu makes me sick?  I’ve trained with Accel.  Do you get a picture of the turmoil going on in my brain right now?  I am stressed out.   It’s not much fun.

 

I approached this, as I do most things, with the idea that if I work hard and do the right stuff, I will be successful.  I’ve been using my ‘journey’ and this blog to hopefully encourage someone else to give running, exercise and fitness a chance.  I’ve used the “if I can do it, you can too” motto.  I’m supposed to be proving that hard work pays off.  It’s a journey, but I WANT TO GET TO THE FINISHED LINE of this journey.  I know that all of the steps that I’ve traveled to get this far are important but I traveled all of these steps to FINISH.  What’s the use in walking to the bakery only to peer into the window at the cakes?  Why climb NEARLY to the top of a mountain?  Why learn the dance steps and never dance at the ball? 

 

What am I willing to do to finish?  I am going to go until I can’t go any more.  Honestly, I don’t care what shape I’m in on Monday.  Just.  Keep.  Going.  I watched a video of a lady approaching a marathon finish line and she was slowly falling apart until she just fell down, ran out.  She and some other person were crawling toward the finish line.  The video is titled “Hilarious Marathon Finish” but I didn’t think it was funny.  It made me start to cry.  I will crawl across the line if that’s all I have left…(click to watch video)  “Ain’t no shame in my game!”

 

Alright, I know some things are simply beyond my control.  If I hurt myself, pass out, get sick, cramp up or crap out and can’t finish the race…  I still have all of the experiences that got me TO the race.  That might have to be enough.

This entry was posted in Fitness, Marathon, Running, Training. Bookmark the permalink.

7 Responses to Ten Days til My Marathon!

  1. GOOD LUCK GIRL!!!!! You only get one first time. Stay strong and power through it! Just remember it’s an automatic PR, all you have to do is finish 😉

  2. Run Dedeaux Run says:

    Thank you! I am REALLY going to focus on enjoying the experience. THREE CHEERS FOR PRs!!! 🙂

  3. Happy Runner says:

    Just go for it! Keep positive thoughts! Of course you WILL finish! Enjoy the journey. It will be painful at time,s but the big smile of accomplishments that starts when crossing the finish line will last for days! Go for it!! 🙂

    • Run Dedeaux Run says:

      Thanks! I’m gonna give it everything I’ve got! I’m trying to imagine myself holding the finisher’s medal.. happy thoughts

  4. This may or may not help…when I ran (shuffled) my first marathon I did it for a children’s charity. The charity worked with children who had suffered extreme abuse. When things got tough (and God knows they did) I always thought of the money I was raising and that I was only running … The kids i was running for had no way of escaping their torment whilst I knew that at some point that day I’d be home in comfort with my own wife and children. I know it isn’t a nice thought but the principle applies whether we are running for charity or not I suppose – you and I are blessed to be able to make the starting line (yip, I said starting line). I wish you the very best of luck. Don’t over think it on the day. Don’t think “holy crap I am at mile 2 I am puffed”. Your body and mind will do funny things – both will suffer ups and downs over the 26.2 miles. It’s totally natural. One step at a time…you can always take another step…then another…

    • Run Dedeaux Run says:

      It does help. Sometimes when I run, I think about how I felt when i couldn’t run. I had knee surgery last summer and it killed me to see posts about people running. I wanted to get out there SO BADLY. So – yeah, it helps to think about those that can’t run or remember how I felt when I couldn’t.

      “One step at a time… you an always take another step…then another…” I like that!

  5. RunDedeauxRun says:

    Reblogged this on Run Dedeaux Run and commented:

    This is my ‘recover’ week, so I’m just reminiscing on days gone by.

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